


You Don't Keep Whores

by zinjadu



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-27
Updated: 2012-06-27
Packaged: 2017-11-08 17:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinjadu/pseuds/zinjadu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne and his paid for lady, around Heart of Gold.  Written a while ago, rehosting here</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't Keep Whores

The cargo hold door was open, letting the fresh planet-side air mix with the recycled atmo that Serenity pumped out for them. They had just finished a drop a day early and found themselves with a bit of free time on a lonely rock with no Alliance presence to be spoken of. Kaylee and River had extended their game of tag to the land surrounding the ship, chasing each other around huge boulders and the odd cactus. Eventually Serenity became a base of some sort, but the rest of the crew was unsure as to the exact nature or qualities of said base. Simon watched them from a good vantage on a particularly large boulder, but something about his non-participation struck Kaylee as wrong.

“Hey, you just gonna watch, or are you gonna play?” she asked, panting to catch her breath.

“Oh, I think I’m fine right here, really. Yup. I’m good.”

“Aw, you’re just afraid of being beat by girls.”

“I am not,” he said, laughing nervously.

“Yes, he is,” River sagely informed Kaylee.

“Ah, see. You are, and she’d know.” Kaylee beamed up at him, her cheerfulness almost daring him to say no.

“Alright, I’ll show you two. You better run,” he said as he carefully made his way down off the rock, while Kaylee and River took off running.

In the middle of a thrilling chase, no one quite sure who was “it” anymore, River almost ran smack into Jayne. Jayne, who had just returned from the nearby down, and was covered head to foot, in manure. She screamed and fled in the opposite direction. Simon quickly chased after her, calling out her name.

Kaylee just stopped and was torn between laughing and finding out what happened. She settled for doing both at the same time. “Wuh de tyen, ah, Jayne. What happened?”

He glared at her.

“Right, I’ll just get the Cap’t.”

“What for?” he growled.

“I don’t think he’s gonna let you on Serenity like that.”

“Fay fay duh pee yen! Why not? The shower’s on the ship. How else am I gonna get clean?”

Kaylee wrinkled her nose and backed away. “I dunno, but I’m sure the Cap’t’ll figure something out.”

River had fled to the ship and Simon was still chasing her down, and his hurried explanation to Inara as River ran through the Companions shuttle was sufficient to warn the rest of the crew. Wash and Zoe decided that as amusing as seeing Jayne covered in shit would be, it wasn’t worth the risk of having to hose him off. They made a tactical retreat to their bunk and locked it.

Book stood by Mal, who had just arrived in the cargo hold, waiting for the merc to shuffle up to the ship, and saw Kaylee walking a good distance ahead of Jayne. “I think, Captain, that perhaps when hosing off our friend, we might want to make sure a few folk are elsewhere.” He pointedly nodded out at the figure of Kaylee drawing closer to the ship and back at the slowly calming River.

“Good point,” Mal agreed. “I reckon there are some things in this ’verse that nobody need to see.”

So it was that Mal and Book readied a hose Kaylee had rigged up for them to hose off the less than happy merc. Mal was almost smiling at the fact that Kaylee had made sure to make sure the water would be warm.

In a few minutes Jayne had been thoroughly drenched, his clothes and body free of the obvious manure, and through it all his jaw was clenched in barely restrained anger. He now stood there, a towel wrapped around him as he waited to dry. Book turned the hose off and waited patiently for this little drama to unfold.

“Well,” Mal said, keeping his voice even with considerable effort.

Jayne glared at Mal. “I don’t rightly want to say, Mal. Ain’t gonna bring any trouble chasin’ after us, so don’t worry about that.”

“No, I don’t think it will. But something tells me you offended somebody and if we want to do business on this moon again, we might need to know what kinda ruckus you caused.”

The merc’s shoulders slumped and he looked away. “T’weren’t my fault. Them women made all the fuss in the first place,” he muttered.

Mal snorted. “Jayne, in my experience when women start making the fuss, you’ve already done something wrong. Come on, what’d you do?”

Jayne held his ground, refusing to say anything and he had the distinct air of a wrongfully kicked dog.

“I’m sure the Captain doesn’t mean to accuse you of any wrong doing, but is merely curious about the events that took place,” Book tried to reason.

Mal nodded in agreement, but knew better than to try and voice that as he’d most like end up laughing. The grin that he couldn’t quite keep away didn’t help either.

“Well,” Jayne started. “I had me a good time in town with this one whore at the house. All pretty and blond, and tall.” He whistled low, and grinned wolfishly when he described her. “Anyway, turns out she pulls in the most business there, and some of the other girls ain’t so happy about that. So there I was, just brushin’ her hair this mornin’, and she’s got real purtty hair. Nice’n soft.” He lost track of his thoughts remembering his doxy.

“Jayne,” Mal sharply interrupted his thoughts. “How about back to the part where this whore’s not so popular and you somehow end up covered in manure?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, they all asked me to look at somethin’ outside, said they’d knock the price down if’n I fixed their water pump. Turns out the water pump ain’t broke, and they’ve taken to pushin’ all her customers into the shit pile o’ some rancher that’s nearby.”

“Well, that sounds most unfortunate, Jayne,” Book said.

“Yeah, she ain’t gonna last long if they’re driving all her customers away like that.” He gathered up his clothes, muttering over his button down shirt, “And that was my only good shirt.” He straightened and fixed the Captain with a look. “Hey, Mal.”

Mal had listened to the story with no small amount of amusement, but he had a sneaking suspicion about what Jayne was going to say next. He still couldn’t stop himself from saying, “What, Jayne?”

“You think we can take her on as a passenger to some place that’ll be better for her? How about the ‘Heart of Gold’? We ain’t too far from there and she’d fit in alright.”

“That’s very admirable of you, Jayne.” The preacher sounded proud of the merc, like a teacher finally seeing some improvement in a student.

Mal had known that’s what Jayne was gonna ask, and he’d known the preacher was gonna praise him for it. “Tzao-gao, Jayne, that’s mighty thoughtful of you, but how’s she gonna pay her way?”

Jayne waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“She ain’t gonna be servicing anybody of the crew but you, and that still ain’t enough to cover it.”

“Like hell she would! Anyway, that ain’t her only talent. She can sew and cook and clean. Come on, Mal. She won’t be much trouble and she can get us a bit of fresh food.” Jayne dangled the opportunity of real food in front of two people who it mattered little to, but they both knew how much it meant to particular members of the crew. Mal thought that he might want to start revising the opinion of Jayne being a complete idiot.

“Fine, go get her quick. We’re leaving as soon as you get back. Make it clear she’s lucky that’s it’s on our way. And don’t go wanting her to stay after she’s been on the ship for day. Ain’t gonna happen.”

Jayne snorted. “She’s a whore, Mal. You don’t keep whores.” Then he dashed off to get dry clothes and rush back out for the girl.

“I must say, Captain, you handled that rather well, though I’m a bit surprised that you allowed Jayne to have what he wanted,” Book said.

“Well, it’s not out of our way, that’s true. And fresh food is always welcome.”

Book waited and watched the Captain until he spoke more on his own. “I thought it might be good to get the idea of loyalty into Jayne’s head. This is better than him fearin’ me. Loyalty to favors is a bit better for him, I’m guessin’, now.”

“Indeed it is, Captain,” Book agreed.

Mal nodded and looked out toward the town. “Still, I wish it wasn’t a woman problem. Too many women problems on my ship as it is.”

Book said nothing.

Two days later they touched down near the ‘Heart of Gold and Jayne said good-bye to his whore. Mal envied him that.

**Author's Note:**

> Glossary:  
> Wuh de tyen, ah - dear god in heaven  
> Fay fay duh pee yen - a baboon’s ass-crack  
> Tzao-gao - damn it


End file.
